I Am

This past year has challenged me to rethink my approach to being...well, me. And it dawned on me, after more months of self-doubt than I care to count and trying to twist myself into an image that I thought was more palatable to others, that I am fine just the way I am. See, I realize that the problem with how others may or may not see me rests with them and not me. So today, an exercise in self-affirmation. Today I own and embrace who I am. I celebrate my good qualities (and there are a few), laugh at my quirks (and there are many), and own those things that I need to improve. Today, the highlights (in no particular order...as random as the thoughts in my head sometimes are):

• I am thoughtful, kind, and generous; but never mistake my kindness for a weakness.
• I used to weigh 270 pounds and ate my emotions; I've since lost over 100 pounds and have kept that weight off for over two years now. This stands as one of my greatest personal triumphs. I embrace my "former fatty" badge because it's part of my history and to forget is to risk repeating history.
• I trust naturally and easily, but once that trust is broken it's hard for me to come back to a place of confidence in someone.
• I have worked out religiously for just over two years now and post about it on Facebook every single time. This may annoy people, but it keeps me on track and accountable so that's all that matters.
• I love my dogs more than some people I cross paths with in life.
• I am obsessed with Jamie Lee Curtis. Not in an "Annie-Wilkes-hobbles-James-Caan-in-Misery" kinda way, but rather in a "wish-we-could-sip-tea-and-watch-Downton-Abbey-together" kinda way.
• I love cheese.
• I dance badly.
• I love character actors.
• I hate animal cruelty and bullies.
• I am organized to a fault.
• I am prone to procrastination.
• I am an unapologetic morning person.
• I love horror movies, especially 80s slasher films.
• I am open and surprisingly adaptable despite my sometimes oppressive need for structure and routine.
• When I fall in love, I'm all in. I am able to be monogamous.
• I am not 20 and am comfortable in the knowledge that my "twink" days are now firmly behind me. I am neither "bear" nor "boi" and have no desire to play either on TV.
• I am funny.
• I am talented.
• I am passive-aggressive at times.
• I am a writer.
• I am a rescuer who often tries to save people from themselves. Even if they don't want to be saved.
• I am creative and possess a strong imagination from which I create.
• I am plagued by self-doubt more often than I'd like.
• I am not always comfortable with my body.
• My left eye always appears to be lower than my right in photographs; I refer to this as my "palsy eye" with much amusement.
• I don't trust my instincts nearly enough even though they have proven to be quite reliable.
• I value loyalty above all else and give it fiercely.
• I am a natural leader and take the responsibility very seriously.
• I always root for the underdog.
• I am a recovering Catholic and inclusive humanist.
• I am a disenchanted Democrat.
• I am attracted to redheads in almost fetish-like proportion.
• I am a volunteer with The Trevor Project because I believe it's important to reach back to the generation behind you and offer a hand to help others up.
• I love to laugh.
• I am an Aries to the core.
• I am obsessed with Starbucks' Earl Grey tea. It makes me inexplicably happy.
• I don't live in the moment enough.
• I am often self-destructive.
• I sometimes struggle to love myself and often put the needs of others before my own; I then resent myself (and others) for it.
• I am analytical and will turn something over and over in my mind until it makes sense.
• I think too much sometimes.
• I am afraid of flying. And mushrooms.
• I am a gay man and hate the shallowness of much of the gay male culture, even if I fall victim to it on occasion.
• I am adopted.
• I am afraid of ending up alone.
• I have a difficult time letting go.
• I am not afraid to open my mind to new things but don't do it nearly enough.
• I am a work in progress.
• I am ok.