A Musical Baker’s Dozen, Part I: The Top 13 Singles of 2013

13. "Move" / Little Mix 

 

 

12. "Attracting Flies" / AlunaGeorge

 

 

 

11. "Forever" / Haim

 

 

 

10. "Nightlife" / Jody Watley

 

 

9. "A New Life" / Jim James

 

 

 

8. "Love Me Again" / John Newman

 

 

7. Dots and Dashes (Enough Already)" / Silversun Pickups

 

 

 6. "From Nowhere" / Dan Croll

 

 

 

5. "Do I Wanna Know?" / Arctic Monkeys

 

 

 

4. "My Number" / Foals

 

 

 

3. "Get Lucky" / Daft Punk featuring Pharrell Williams

 

 

2. "Changeling" / Alison Moyet

 

 

 

1. "Brave" / Sara Bareilles

 

 

So that's my list of personal faves from 2013, the songs that resonated with me on some level. Some touched me, others made me want to dance. What were your favorite singles/songs released last year? Forthcoming: My list of the Top 13 Albums of 2013. 

There Will Be Dirt...

OK, since neither DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES nor TRUE BLOOD are on tomorrow night, how about tuning into The Funky Werepig, a wonderfully wacky Blog Talk Radio show hosted by Gregory L. Hall? Why, you ask? Because yours truly will be the featured guest. Yes, that’s right: The guy behind Slasher Speak will…speak!

Better yet, you can call in and heckle me! The show goes live tomorrow night at 9:00 pm EST and runs for about an hour and a half. The call-in number is (646) 929-1147. You can also join the live chat during the show here.

So what will I be talking about? [Insert evil laugh] Let’s just say that names will be named, and I’m spilling the dirt on where the bodies are buried.

I’d tune in if I were you.

The Five Slasher Remakes You Meet in Heaven

So, Jeff Allard over at Dinner with Max Jenke recently posted “Five Slasher Remakes That MUST Happen Before the World Ends.” His choices were (in descending order): THE FUNHOUSE, THE BURNING, PIECES, THE PROWLER, and CURTAINS. Inspired choices indeed.

That got me thinking. If the dreaded remake is here to stay – at least for the immediate future – which slashers could actually benefit from a reimagining? So, feeling inspired by my fellow blogger’s fantasy list, I set out to compile my own.

5. MOTEL HELL

Even though there have been rumblings about this one for what seems like forever, I’m including it on my list because it’s been in development hell for several years now, its eventuality nothing close to a certainty just yet. And when I tell you my vision, you’re going to groan. Loudly.

Two words: Rob Zombie.

Think about it — the ultimate grindhouse version of one of the campiest, moodiest slasher films ever. Just picture Zombie’s take on Motel Hello and its characters — proprietors Farmer Vincent and sister Ida, Ivan and the Terribles, lecherous Sheriff Bruce, Biker Bo and final girl Terry, hookers Debbie and Suzi, swingers Edith and Bob, and Reverend Billy. Come on! This is one time that Zombie’s penchant for casting his buddies would actually work. Picture it: Karen Black as Ida? Sherri Moon-Zombie as hooker Debbie? Sid Haig as Ivan or Reverend Billy? Bill Moseley as Sheriff Bruce? Brad Dourif as Farmer Vincent? William Forsythe as swinging Bob? Dee Wallace or Priscilla Barnes as swinging Edie? Danny Trejo as Biker Bo? Lew Temple and EG Daily as two of the Terribles?

Who better to capture the seediness of a rural, out-of-the-way roadside motel? Imagine Zombie’s take on certain elements of the film: the psychedelic spiral wheel that’s used to hypnotize the throat-slit victims being harvested in Farmer Vincent’s secret garden or the scene where Vincent and Ida nitrous oxide the swingers or the cow-in-the-middle-of-the-road trap that the hapless hookers stumble upon and ensuing car chase or the final chainsaw showdown in the slaughter house.

Admit it. The Grand Guignol/heavy metal possibilities here are endless.

4. HUMONGOUS

Like the better known HELL NIGHT and THE FUNHOUSE, HUMONGOUS was one of the few sub-human slashers that had all the right elements – a good back story, a creepy isolated location, interesting character dynamics (by slasher standards anyway), and killer music – and an overall crappy execution. Indeed, the original is more known in slasher circles for its frustratingly dim lighting and what you can’t see more than the genuine sense of atmosphere PROM NIGHT director Paul Lynch was able to create.

Yes, a return to Dog Island is a must-see travel destination, complete with loony Ida’s Labor Day rape that spawns ‘ole Humongo, a pack of vicious dogs, a quintet of carefree, free-wheeling teens out for a pleasure cruise on Daddy’s yacht, a stranded boater adrift in a fog bank, destructive sibling rivalry, and blueberries. Lots of blueberries.

I can hear the bones snapping now.

3. SILENT SCREAM

An off-campus boardinghouse by the sea. A trio of college students. A dark family history. A secret staircase.

No, I’m not describing the plot from a Nancy Drew detective novel but rather the deliciously gothic elements of the oft-overlooked 1980 slasher SILENT SCREAM. This movie basically screams remake, and it’s got a small enough original audience balanced by just the right amount of name recognition to pique interest old and new alike. Plus, the film’s got some intergenerational appeal, with roles for an attractive ingénue or two, a fierce middle-age actress good at crazy, and a beloved veteran actress with a penchant for stern. (Who are your choices for old Mrs. Engels and her deranged daughter Victoria? I’m thinking that the sorely underrated Belinda Balaski is due for a comeback…)

2. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

That this one hasn’t already been fast-tracked for a remake is beyond me. It’s got source material that needs only minor tweaking —an updating of “the six most bizarre murders you’ll ever see” and perhaps a retooling of the mask-ripping finale. In addition, the whole “Crawford Academy Top Ten” fits perfectly with the GOSSIP GIRL generation’s obsession with social status. There’s the Agatha Christie-style mystery at its core, a large ensemble of characters to murder inventively, and the still surprisingly untapped concept of birthday parties as a backdrop.

One quick note to remake producers. I’ve got only three requisite nods to the original that must be included: Etienne must sniff the panties, Steve must deep-throat the shish kebab, and Winston must give Mrs. Patterson (better known as “mommy”) head.

1. CURTAINS

Like Mr. Allard, CURTAINS also tops my list of remake-musts. As I’ve written elsewhere, CURTAINS is an unpolished gem with a great, simple slasher set-up (a half-dozen actresses vying for a coveted movie role), terrific setting (an out-of-the-way mansion in snowy winter), decidedly frightening killer (old hag face), some creepy imagery (the eyeless doll standing in the middle of the rain-slicked road, arms outstretched) and some of the best murder set pieces ripe for the picking (ice skating, anyone?).

As I shared at Dinner with Max Jenke, I actually tried (unsuccessfully) for nearly two years to secure the remake rights to this film, first tracking it down through the Canadian company that held its international distribution rights and then to the American company that acquired its international catalog. I got so far as to connect with an attorney for the new company, but emails went unreturned and talks went nowhere.

My idea for the remake: the ultimate slasher geek’s dream. Same plot, only age the storyline with its audience. Six former scream queens (think mid- to late-40s) vying for a coveted role in a SCREAM-like slasher, with a seventh being duped by the lecherous director into spending time in an insane asylum for research. All converge on the mansion of the director and are quickly snowbound with the hag-faced killer from the original. Oh, the casting possibilities. Think of all the slasher gals from our youth who we’d like to reconnect with, leading off with CURTAINS alums Lesleh Donaldson (HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, FUNERAL HOME) and Sandee Currie (TERROR TRAIN). Perhaps Jamie Rose (JUST BEFORE DAWN) or Amy Steel (APRIL FOOL’S DAY, FRIDAY THE 13TH, PART 2) or Anne-Marie Martin (PROM NIGHT, THE BOOGENS) or Linda Blair (HELL NIGHT) or Largo Woodruff (THE FUNHOUSE) or Adrienne King (FRIDAY THE 13TH) or Lenore Zann (VISITING HOURS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME) or…

You get the point.

FDA Issues Urgent Activia Yogurt Recall...

...following unexpected side effects.

Warning: Activia yogurt contains Bifidus Zombilaris that may cause more than occasional bouts of virulent diarrhea.

Breath In...

...breath out.

You've made it halfway through the week!

Take a yoga moment for yourself today.

Happy Hump Day!

The Stoker Weekend Chronicles, Part 2

Friday morning. My body still hadn’t reset its internal clock, so although I was going to bed at 12:30 am PST, I was still waking up at my hardwired East Coast time of 5:30 am – which somehow also became 5:30 am PST(!). I know…I was confused, too. All I know is that I felt like I was running on fumes for most of my trip.

So, up and off to breakfast with Chad and Mike Hacker, despite a tempting offer from Nanci to join her and Tom Monteleone for breakfast at Denny’s. I don’t remember what the fellas had, but I had the most delicious Cobb omelet – basically everything that gets lumped into a Cobb Salad (minus the lettuce, thankfully) as the omelet filling. Scrumptious! We promised Lisa and John that we’d register early, so off we went to the hotel lobby to retrieve our name badges and goody bags. Great stuff in the bags – books, magazines, bookmarks galore, magnets, and more. Leisure was particularly generous, offering up one of their novels for every bag. I snagged a copy of Nate Kenyon’s THE REACH, which I had already read (great book, BTW), so I was hoping to swap with someone for perhaps something I hadn’t read (had my eye on Wrath James White’s SUCCULENT PREY). Of course, swept up in the whirlwind of Stoker Weekend, I completely forgot.

How amazing to finally meet and spend time with my friend and frequent collaborator Chad Helder. Most people we met couldn’t believe that we’d known each other since 2006, yet had never met until that weekend. Or that we’d managed to put together an entire project like UNSPEAKABLE HORROR using nothing but the Internet and telephone lines to connect when we had to. Chad is everything I’d hoped he’d be and more. Smart, personable, laid-back…he was the perfect weekend companion to share so many firsts. And we had a ball! So lucky am I to call him my flesh-and-blood friend now.

On Friday, I was scheduled to participate in two panels – one on anthology editing, the other on GLBT horror. A quick glance at the program and I saw that the estimable Stephen Jones (the multi-award winning editor of anthology series like THE MAMMOTH BOOK OF BEST NEW HORROR, FANTASY TALES, and DARK TERRORS) had been added to the panel that included myself and Chad, the venerable Ellen Datlow, R.J. Cavender, Bill Breedlove, and Kathryn Cramer (of the YEAR’S BEST FANTASY and YEAR’S BEST SF series). Now, I had heard all kinds of rumors and stories about Jones and, frankly, was beginning to lose my nerve. After all, what business did we have on a panel with the likes of him and Ellen Datlow and Kathryn Cramer? Hopefully, we could add something from the newbie’s perspective, but that was about it. To make matters worse, moments before our panel, I found Ellen (who was moderating the panel) in the hotel lobby and, with tongue planted firmly in cheek, asked her to please keep Jones from eviscerating us onstage if he found our presence bothersome. And, just to prove that the higher power has a sense of humor, Mr. Jones was standing right behind me when I said it. Insert foot in mouth as cursory introductions were made, slink away, and nearly die with embarrassment.

So, how’d the panel go, you ask? Considering how I’d set myself up (internally and with Jones), I’d say not bad at all. The veterans on the panel wowed with their vast experience and knowledge, while we newbies spoke when spoken to. Ellen did a fantastic job moderating, and Jones was quite astute and fair in his questions and comments. I think the audience may have winced for us a few times, but we came away from the experience all the better for it. Hey, if we’re going to play with the big fish, then we’d better learn how to swim faster, eh? High point of the panel: The spirited discussion that ensued when Ellen asserted that she reads slush and Kathryn categorically took exception, emphasizing that both Ellen and Stephen read works already published and that by virtue of their published status, these works are already pre-vetted and are thereby not true “slush” in the sense that most think of it. Interesting discussion that kept the audience (and the rest of us on the panel) rapt with attention. Low point of the panel: Jones politely calling Chad and me out for not sending him a copy of UNSPEAKABLE HORROR for consideration in MAMMOTH BOOK OF BEST NEW HORROR and internally debating whether or not it’d be poor form to correct him and tell him that I did indeed send a copy. In the end, I deferred to better judgment of not correcting him in a public forum and made mental notes to tell him privately at a later point in time (more on how that went later) and to send any future works to him via registered mail.

Next up was the GLBT Horror panel that Chad and I were participating on with the lovely Maria Alexander (whose lyrical “In Her Mirrors, Dimly” we were fortunate enough to have grace the pages of UNSPEAKABLE HORROR) and the effervescent Hal Bodner. Hal, who wrote 2005’s sexy vampire romp BITE CLUB, is the essence of a true character, the lovechild of Harvey Fierstein and Joan Rivers. An entertainment lawyer by trade, Hal now spends his days writing and as the proprietor of an “over-the-top” pet boutique called Heavy Petting. Indeed, everything about Hal is deliciously over-the-top…from his opinions (and there are many) to his warmth. He’s got stories galore with which to regale the willing listener, and he’s got more names to drop than Paris Hilton has handbags.

The panel went exceptionally well – decent attendance during which we met the equally handsome and intellectual Gabriel Novo, a first time writer’s conference attendee who’d wanted to hear more about us after the anthology panel. The questions were fantastic, the discussion lively, and the subject matter stimulating. The audience really seemed to walk away with quite a bit of food for thought, especially on the subject of whether or not the gay community should or needs to own its negative stereotypes in its literature and other artistic mediums. Mutual respect between and among the audience and the panelists for differing viewpoints was the overriding tone of the session. My little gray cells were refreshed, invigorated, and otherwise heightened during this enjoyable (albeit far too brief) hour.

Somewhere in between panels and pitches, Chad and I had the privilege of sitting in on two fantastic author readings. The first was the delightful Rain Graves, who has personality to spare and a fantastically contagious laugh. She read selections from her poetry collection BARFODDER. Stunning imagery and lyrical verse that skimmed across the mental palette with Rain’s rhythmic delivery. The second reading was by Thomas F. Monteleone. Now, if you want to learn about how an author should conduct a reading and fully engage an audience, Monteleone is your guy. He read one of his older stories – title escapes me at the moment – to a spellbound audience. Monteleone becomes his characters when he reads – wide-eyed boy, curmudgeonly grandfather, sinister grim reaper – all with equal skill and believability. Watching him move about the room and lock eyes with audience members as his voice went from a whisper to a hiss, his reading was one of the most unexpected treats of the weekend.

Dinner in the Daily Grill with Chad, Mike Hacker, Reesa Brown and her mother, Deborah. We were joined by Scott Bradley, one of the editors of last year’s pop culture masterpiece BOOK OF LISTS: HORROR. Scott and I became instant Facebook friends a few months prior to Stoker Weekend, so I was really looking forward to meeting him in person. You know, one of the things I liked most about the whole weekend was how real people were. Scott personified this genuineness – just a tall hunk of sweetness and sincerity through and through. My biggest regret is that I didn’t have more of an opportunity to hang out with Scott and his girlfriend Amy Wallace (another of the editors on BOOK OF LISTS: HORROR) – but, hey, there’s an old adage that says when you meet someone you connect with, you’re destined to meet up with them again.

The Gory Ghoul Ball hosted by Heather Graham and Medallion Press was the spectacle it promised to be. There was music and food aplenty, with partygoers decked to the nines in fabulous costumes. Admittedly, the air temperature in the packed ballroom was a bit on the stuffy side, so I moseyed in and out – alternating between watching the Slush Pile Players and sitting outside with Reesa, Chad, and Deborah and enjoying the almost preternaturally consistent Southern California weather. Wiped, I retired for the evening around 11:30 pm.

Saturday was business day. It was time to slap on some casual business attire and prepare for meetings with publishers during the pre-arranged pitch sessions. Chad and I enjoyed a low-key breakfast together while I tried to boil an entire novel down into a succinct logline that would grab the publishers’ interest by the throat until they screamed to read the full manuscript. Met up with Alex Sokoloff near the elevators and the two of us went up to my suite where she was nice enough to hear my pitch and offer some words of encouragement. I seriously adore her – she’s whip smart, an über-talented storyteller, and has the most fabulous mane of blond hair that seems to be its own life force.

The pitch sessions were coordinated by Jeannie Eddy, with help from hubby (and HWA webmaster) Mark Worthen. Pitch sessions, for those of you who’ve never done one, are the literary equivalent of speed dating. You’ve got ten minutes to pitch your novel to an editor or agent – and at Stoker Weekend, you had the added challenge of doing so in a less than optimal setting: the hotel lobby. Imagine sitting there across from an editor from a major New York publishing house with one-sixth of an hour to sell your work while just mere feet away someone’s complaining to the desk clerk that the toilet in room 617 is clogged(!). Talk about disconcerting. But, somehow, Jeannie made it all work. How she tracked whose time was up, moved people up and down the schedule when someone didn’t show, and had those editors and agents spread as comfortably as possible across the hotel lobby, I’ll never know. Anyone who pitched on Saturday owed Jeannie and Mark a debt of gratitude for their generous help and coordination. My own pitch sessions went quite well, with both publishers asking to see THE RENEWED in various configurations – one wanting the entire manuscript, the other the first three chapters and a full synopsis. Both asked about what else I had in the pipeline, with one also asking to see FINAL GIRL when that was done. One even asked that I include the blurbage for THE LITERARY SIX with my submission, so maybe a retooling will be in order for a reprint someday. Fingers firmly crossed as I frantically work on the final rewrites of THE RENEWED.

Business behind me, it was time to get ready for Dark Scribe Press’ “Unspeakable 80’s” pre-Stoker Awards Banquet party and the big event afterward. The hotel staff had the room set-up appropriately (after some last minute reminders on layout), my DJ from Joe Diamond Enterprises showed up on time and with the music I had requested (and he was cute, to boot!), and Chad and Martel Sardina and JT Cummins were on hand to help hand out 200+ feather boas to guests as they arrived. The hour and a half flew by, but I managed to get some great photos. Feather boas really are the ultimate fashion accessory! Haircut 100, Frankie Goes to Hollywood, Oingo Boingo, Icicle Works, Dexy’s Midnight Runners…the music just rocked!

On to dinner, yet another wonderfully overstuffed goodie bag, and then…the Stoker Awards. Unbeknownst to me, like a tribe that attracts its own, we ended up having what someone dubbed “The Gay Table.” Chad, Mike Hacker, Matt Schwartz, Derek Clendening, Hal Bodner, and I…with Nanci Kalanta, Maria Alexander, and Martel as our requisite (and quite fetching!) fag hags. Not quite sure how Maria’s dashing gent, Shad Ow, figured into the scheme of things, but let’s just call him “eye candy” for purposes of qualifying everyone’s role. Nerves had taken over by that point, and I honestly couldn’t tell you how my vegetarian lasagna was or what one person said during dinner. I just know Hal was talking.

So, as you know, we won the Stoker Award in our category – Superior Achievement in an Anthology. The moment came upon me like a speeding locomotive, and I wasn’t ready for it. First, the idea that John Skipp and Ellen Datlow presented the award was enough to send me into giddiness. But then, to hear one of the preeminent anthology editors of our time call my name and hand me a Stoker Award, the ensuing cheer from the audience…words fail me. (I grabbed Ellen’s hand the next day and tried to articulate just what it meant to have her present us with the award, but I’m certain words failed me yet again.) I know I spoke, tried not to completely flame-out like Sally Field in her 1985 acceptance speech at the Oscars, and said something about the lights being hot. It’s on tape and will hopefully be available to the viewing public soon. But, what I do remember, was feeling incredibly humbled to be accepting an award in the presence of Bill Breedlove and R.J. Cavender – two incredibly talented anthology editors with whom I had the distinct pleasure of becoming acquainted that weekend and whose works (Breedlove’s LIKE A CHINESE TATTOO, Cavender’s +HORROR LIBRARY: VOLUME 3+) I have the utmost respect for. I remember saying that the award was really for all of us in the anthology field, those of us working within our resources to keep the anthology format alive. And I meant every word of it.

Something else came to me standing on that stage. Earlier, during the anthology panel, Stephen Jones had asked Chad and I why our anthology was “queer horror” and just not “horror”. Wasn’t good horror with gay characters or themes enough without having to add the “queer” qualifier? Thrown a bit by the question, I just sat there like a dunce while Chad did his best to articulate an answer that spoke to easier identification by our intended audience. But there, on the stage standing in front of 250 or so fellow writers and editors, the answer came to me at the oddest moment. As I thanked my partner of 21 years for his unwavering support, I realized that I would be one of only two people that evening who hadn’t thanked a wife or a husband. That the commonplace spousal moniker used so freely by everyone else simply wasn’t mine to use. Not there in a Californian hotel, not back home in New York. The legal distinction between my relationship and that of legally married couples in the room was significant, and that was the reason that our horror had to be queer horror. That was the reason why our politics has to be queer politics, why our artistic expression has to speak to its queer elements. That separate does not mean equal is the horror of the queer experience. That, like much of horror in general, we approach life and those in it as outsiders looking in.

Photos taken, an appearance at the official after party made, champagne consumed, I retired to my hotel suite and clicked on Facebook to find confirmation of my earlier thoughts. Congratulatory messages from literary heroes like Lee Thomas and Michael Rowe and Jameson Currier and Scott Heim, from publishing trailblazers like Greg Herren and Steve Berman, all confirmed that Chad and I and our wonderfully unspeakable contributors did far more than win a Stoker Award that evening. We shattered the pink ceiling by becoming the first distinctly queer horror anthology to ever take home a Stoker in the 22-year history of the awards. Suddenly overwhelmed, humbled, and so completely at a loss for words, emotion overtook me and I sat awash in actual tears staring down at my laptop until sleep beckoned.

Sunday morning arrived, bringing two strange emotions with it. The first was an odd sense of melancholy that the weekend was drawing to a close. The closest thing I could associate with this reaction was the feeling I got as a teenager when a month of sleepaway summer camp was winding down. It was almost a sense of loss…a sense of imminent detachment from some real, newly discovered part of my life. An experience that was one-time only, a fusion of events, circumstances, people, and senses that could never be recreated again in totality. Weird, I know. The second was a sense of surrealism, a sense that something important had happened with which I still hadn’t fully connected. Even as I made my way toward the HWA business meeting – tall cup of Earl Grey in hand – and someone stopped me and asked me to sign his Stoker Weekend Program, I felt like events had powered forward and I was running to catch up with the reality of them.

The HWA Board met as a group for about two hours for its annual business meeting, the first time all four HWA officers – in this case, Deb LeBlanc, Heather Graham, Lisa Morton, and I – were in attendance at a live meeting. Trustees Ellen Datlow, Del Howison, and Rocky Wood, as well as legal counsel Les Klinger, were all on hand for a very productive session. Thankfully, Heather and I had devised a secret plan to leap up onto the table and belt out our version of “Do You Think I’m Sexy?” if things got heated, but that never came to pass. The great part about this Board is that everyone on it is forward-thinking and genuinely considers the membership at large when discussing plans for the organization. I have to credit Deb LeBlanc with this. She truly represents the organization with a sense of class and enthusiasm. Watching her in front of the Board or the membership, she’s truly an inspiration — funny, warm, and always professional. She’s set a tone for the HWA, appointed professional people to the right posts, and worked with a sense of quiet conviction in leading us. As much as Lisa Morton and John Little were responsible for the incredible success of Stoker Weekend, Deb’s leadership is a key reason why the HWA has grown its ranks. Deb gets a bunch of shit from some, legitimate criticism from others, but as I was reflecting on the weekend while writing up this recap, the good she’s done overwhelmingly overshadows any missteps our administration has taken along the way.

The general meeting with membership followed. Well-attended, enthusiastic bunch with terrific questions, concerns, and suggestions. The meeting could have gone on for another hour, but we were reminded by John Little that closing ceremonies were at hand. Chad and I ran into Stephen Jones and the lovely Mandy Slater along the way, Mr. Jones offering us his heartfelt congratulations on our Stoker win. We chatted with him for several minutes, during which I got to apologize for the copy of UNSPEAKABLE HORROR that never reached him. He spoke about WHC 2010 in Brighton, England, hoped we would attend, and mentioned the gay-friendly area in which the convention would be held. As we headed toward the closing ceremonies, that sense of surrealism again: the Stephen Jones just congratulated us on our Stoker win! Following closing ceremonies and a bunch of goodbyes that I’d rather not dwell on, the personable, farm fresh Joel Sutherland (apparently safe from a weekend’s worth of Hal hitting on him!) drove Derek Clendening and I back to Dark Delicacies for a group book signing for Lisa Morton’s new anthology, MIDNIGHT WALK. Most of the anthology’s contributors were there and signed up a storm. Great to meet some of my BUTCHER KNIVES & BODY COUNTS contributors like Mike McCarty and R.B. Payne.

Back to the hotel and an impromptu dinner with Lisa Morton, Scott Edelman, Gabrielle Faust, Joel and Colleen Sutherland, Derek Clendening, Rocky Wood, and my # 1 fan Amanda Reyes and her fiancé, David Cohen. Conversation and drinks flowed, Gabrielle and I picked (and picked and picked) at a delicious Apple-Blueberry Cobbler (a la mode, of course!), and soon it was time for more bittersweet goodbyes. Then, off to pack while half-watching the season premiere of TRUE BLOOD, and off for a few restless hours of sleep before my 7:05 am flight home.

Since my chronicles began with the action and adventure of JetBlue flight #350 nose-diving into the Rockies, I find it only fitting to close with the further thrills and chills of JetBlue flight #355, which hit turbulence somewhere over mid-Nebraska that did not end until we were over Pittsburgh. Yes, there were moments of sheer terror like the aircraft’s plummet and underwater dive beneath the Great Lakes (during which I staunchly clutched my pearls like Olivia de Havilland in AIRPORT ’77), but my recollections will only be challenged by those with far less credible historical recall. Suffice to say that I survived; arriving back home to loving arms and eager dog licks and armed with all the details of a glorious, memorable weekend to share.

The Stoker Weekend Chronicles, Part 1

Yes, it’s taken me a full week to digest and process the event known as Stoker Weekend 2009. The people, the connections, the parties, the panels…oh, yeah, and the Stoker Award. So much to sort through and to try and adequately capture in words.

The people. Let’s keep the focus of this recap there. After all, those human connections we make are so much more precious than all the rest combined.My trip started a week ago this past Wednesday. Standing on line to have my flip flops and nether-regions scanned for explosives at JFK, the lovely Nanci Kalanta – webmistress extraordinaire from Horror World – spotted me. Which meant that one of us owed the other a drink. I doubt that either remembers now which one owed and which one collected, so immediate was our connection, so instant our friendship. Yes, I believe Nanci to be yet another sister I’ve never had (the first being my longtime BFF Sondra Edwards, the third being discussed a bit later). Lovely, funny, sarcastic, candid…these are all the things I suspect I will love about Nanci for years to come, and they were on full display throughout the weekend.

Ok, for those of you who might have heard the rumors, yes, there was a traumatic mid-flight event. Now, depending upon who you listen to, there are slight discrepancies in the story. Nanci, as I’ve learned is not the best historian, given to untruths and the occasional nip of the bottle as she is, so one is well-advised to steer clear of her version of the JetBlue-takes-a-nosedive-over-the-Rockies incident. To further clarify, there were no screams — only an involuntary, manly shriek of “Oh, God!” Yes, one child may or may not have been frightened by said manly shriek, but 35,000 feet is a daunting height from which to plunge.

Moving on, we eventually landed safely at the peculiarly named Bob Hope International Airport in Burbank, after enjoying six hours of turbulent hell, one lousy complimentary bag of blue chips, and a bottle of water. There was no time to do much more than drop our bags and scream in delight that there was a Denny’s adjacent to the hotel; it was time to get to work. Off to the HWA suite, where Nanci and I helped stuff the loaded goodie bags. Met John Little and John Palisano for the first time, saw Deb LeBlanc and Connie Wilson again, and (finally) met the seemingly indefatigable Lisa Morton — now officially my third long lost sister. Lisa is an amazing person, an old soul who’s the epitome of calmness and strength under pressure. I was on the station adding Nanci’s Horror World contest envelopes, Greg Lamberson’s JOHNNY GRUESOME magnets, and bookmarks (so many bookmarks!) to the bags. Lisa and her co-organizer John Little run a tight ship, and those bags (all 250 of them) were stuffed by 10:00 pm or so. After a few delightful minutes sitting, chatting, and exchanging winks with Lisa over a catty inside joke we’ve shared since just before BEA, it was time to call pseudo Day One of Stoker Weekend officially over.

Wake up calls between Nanci and me kick-started Thursday morning. We decided to stop first at the Concierge Suite, access for which came with my small, but well-appointed suite in the hotel. Complimentary eggs, a toasted bagel, turkey sausage, bacon, and Earl Grey tea got us going and off we went to explore downtown Burbank. Charming streets with stores that ran in a rigid store-coffee shop-salon-coffee shop-store-salon-coffee shop rotation amused us for a bit, the best being a dusty used bookstore called, oddly enough, Movie World. Books piled as high as the eye could see created narrow aisles and a veritable death trap should anyone ever drop a match. Lots of elated “oohs” from Nanci in the horror section as she stumbled upon Matheson, Yarbro, and Faris titles that would serve her well during the upcoming weekend proper. Best reality-check: Spotting an ACCESS HOLLYWOOD crew that was stopping people as they passed the coffee shop storefront at which they were stationed for “random” on-camera questions posed to various celebs. Nanci and I made at least 4 passes in front of them before we realized – with great amusement – that we apparently weren’t Californian pretty enough to be deigned worthy of asking Paris Hilton where she shops for cheese.

Exploring Burbank is arduous work, and we needed reinforcements. We speed-dialed Kim Paffenroth (the other zombie guy), and the good doctor joined us within minutes. I had the pleasure of first meeting Kim a few weeks earlier at BookExpo, so meeting up was like seeing an old buddy again. A trip to the local mall (and a refreshing Mango Smoothie for me) was followed by an impromptu book signing at Barnes & Noble for Kim, where he signed their stock copies of GOSPEL OF THE LIVING DEAD. We left B&N, doubled-back and re-staged the signing when we realized we’d failed to capture the event on camera, and then took an ill-advised trek across one of Southern California’s infinite number of freeways to Burbank Boulevard. Once Nanci and I realized that flip flops and high-heeled boots (I’ll leave it to your imaginations who was wearing which) are not appropriate footwear for dashing across on-ramps and dodging gun fire from LA gangs, we made two final stops – one at a hat store, the other at a convenience store at which alcohol was procured and someone obnoxiously called for a potentially embarrassing price check on aisle three (again, I leave the assignment of actions to your imaginations). Kim was nearby the home of the friends he was staying with, so he chivalrously saw Nanci and me to our cab with promises of weekend meetings to come.

Nanci and I made our way back to the Burbank Marriott and quickly answered a distress call from lobby-stranded R.J. Cavender (the Stoker-nominated editor of the +HORROR LIBRARY+ anthology series) and connected for an early dinner in the hotel’s Daily Grill eatery. Editor-to-editor, R.J. and I shared our Bentley Little stories over a delicious Cobb Salad, Fried Calamari, and Nanci’s American cheese-less burger.

The arrivals were in full swing by the time we’d finished eating. The bar at the Daily Grill was quickly turning into a who’s who in the genre: Gord Rollo, Gene O’Neill (whose vibrant red hair mysteriously turns white in photos much to his consternation), the gorgeous Alexandra Sokoloff (of whom I’m officially a groupie), Brian Cartwright from Cargo Cult Press, Chelsea Quinn Yarbro (not so much at the bar, per se, but rather dining, dignified-like with a female companion, farther down in the restaurant), F. Paul Wilson, and Shocklines’ Matt Schwartz. Best fanboy moment: Sitting with Alex Sokoloff at the bar perusing the program for the following night’s Gory Ghoul Ball (during which Alex and the incomparable Heather Graham, F. Paul Wilson, and assorted other genre luminaries were to take the stage in an all-star musical extravaganza) and commenting on the name Harley Jane Kozak. Harley Jane Kozak — as in the actress from HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW, ARACHNOPHOBIA, PARENTHOOD, and TV’s daytime soap SANTA BARBARA. “She’s in the band?” I asked incredulously, adding “And going to be here?” Alex responding that yes, indeed, Harley Jane was in the band and that “Hey, she’s right behind you.” Jumped up, squealed like a fifth grade girl opening the new issue of TEEN BEAT and proceeded to gush at poor, dumbfounded Harley Jane about how much I loved her as Mary Duvall McCormick on SANTA BARBARA and how sorry I was that they killed her character off, crushed by the letter “C” of the Capwell Hotel! Got it together, told her how much I love her mystery writing, and suggested an interview at some point in DARK SCRIBE MAGAZINE. Alex clicked a photo to commemorate Harley Jane’s meeting with her strange, gay, soap opera-loving fan!

One much-need shower and costume change later and it was off to the famed Dark Delicacies bookstore for an once-in-a-lifetime book signing. Two phone messages before I left: one from my UNSPEAKABLE HORROR co-editor Chad Helder saying that his plane had been delayed and that he was coming right to the bookstore from the airport, the other from my actress pal Jamie Rose who was leaving her house and would be at the signing by 8:00 pm.

Shared a cab over with Nanci, the too-adorable-for-words Gabrielle Faust, and UNSPEAKABLE HORROR contributor Michael Hacker and walked in to a veritable meet-and-greet of the horror genre’s best and brightest. Chad showed up as the festivities began, and we quickly met up with other UNSPEAKABLE contributors Maria Alexander, Reesa Brown (who was there with her capital “F” fabulous mother, Deborah), and Lisa Morton. Astutely, we found the perfect spot under a colossal air conditioning vent and signed more copies of the anthology than I ever expected. If you’ve never been to Dark Delicacies, then treat yourself at least once the next time you’re in or around Southern Cal. The store is a treasure trove of horror goodness, with enough books, DVD’s, posters, action figures and collectibles, and unique merchandise to make your eyes bleed (in a good way!). Del and Sue Howison are the legendary owners of this equally legendary establishment and know how to throw a warm-up act for Stoker Weekend!

Best moments of the Dark Delicacies signing? There were dozens, but I’ll make mention of just two. First was meeting the delightful Amanda Reyes (who pens the fabulous MADE FOR TV MAYHEM and AMANDA BY NIGHT’S RETRO ECETERO PAGE blogs) and her charming fiancé David Cohen. Amanda may very well be my biggest fan – out of the dozen or so that I lay claim to – and absolutely made my night when she sheepishly asked me if I’d mind signing the copy of THE LITERARY SIX that she’d brought with her. Would I mind? Honey, where’s the paparazzi to capture the moment? Amanda has an encyclopedic knowledge of slasher films, making me adore her even more, and will be a contributor in my forthcoming BUTCHER KNIVES & BODY COUNTS anthology.High point of the evening was finally getting to meet my friend Jamie Rose, who was so unbelievably sweet to trek from Malibu out to see me and get a copy of UNSPEAKABLE HORROR signed. Jamie and I first became acquainted back in 2006 when I interviewed her for AUTOGRAPH COLLECTOR. With my love of slasher films (she was Megan in the ’81 backwoods slasher JUST BEFORE DAWN) and my fan worship of her in FALCON CREST (she played Victoria Gioberti), LADY BLUE, and just about every other movie and TV show she’s ever done, we clicked and have stayed in contact. In person, Jamie is even more stunning (heads turned when she walked into that bookstore, folks!) and is passionate about books and reading and dance. What a joy spending well over an hour with her and chatting about the arts, life, and comparing notes on various books. Her energy is contagious and she literally lights up a room with her intellect and warmth. You know how you build people up in your minds, only to be disappointed when you come face-to-face? Well, the opposite happened with Jamie. If it’s possible, I adore her even more now. (Plus, how cool for Amanda – also a fan of Jamie’s and her husband, the talented Kip Gilman –to meet her as well!)

Tired and worn out from talking to our adoring public, the weary horror writers made their way back to the hotel where the Daily Grill became a boisterous watering hole for the parched and sore-wristed. The UNSPEAKABLE gang was joined by Nanci, the marvelous Hal (BITE CLUB) Bodner, Angel Leigh McCoy, and DSM scribe Martel Sardina, who mesmerized us with the true life story behind a short fiction piece she’s working on that involves web cams and the emotional complexities of voyeurism. Funniest moment: When Chad and I were pondering aloud the possibility of a second volume of UNSPEAKABLE HORROR, perhaps involving the dangers of promiscuity and sexual compulsion in light of Martel’s story, and Mike Hacker suggested the subtitle “In the Bushes!”

As the night wore on and more drinks were consumed, our group began to disband, one-by-one, until only I was left to witness the entrance of Heather Graham and what can only be described as an actual, Hollywood-like entourage. I sat with Heather for a bit, meeting sons, adopted sons, drivers, costume designers, and the like, until my eyelids threatened to close for good. I bid the ever-voluptuous Ms. Graham, whose cups are forever spilling marvelously over (I can say that, I told her, because of my unequivocal gay good taste!), a good night and retired for the evening.

Next up: Stoker Weekend actually begins!

Better Late Than Never

Seems that my blogging buddies over at the wonderful Kindertrauma bestowed Slasher Speak with a Premio Dardo Award last week! Yes, the Premio Dardo Award!

What the hell is a Premio Dardo Award, you ask?

Basically, it’s a virtual a chain letter or tagging meme, in the form of an award. It’s given out by bloggers to other bloggers as a gesture of admiration and then passed along by the recipients and bestowed upon other bloggers. Fun, huh? Not much out there on the origins of the award, but I was able to find this.

Nebulous origins of the award notwithstanding, it was lovely to be recognized by Unkle Lancifer and Aunt John, two ingenious bloggers whom I admire tremendously for their thematic consistency with Kindertrauma.

Now, one of the unwritten stipulations of the Premio Dardo Awards is that a recipient must, in turn, bestow the award on five more deserving blogs. So, without further adieu, the Premio Dardo Awards go to:

Unspeakable Horror – How can I not recognize the queer musings of my friend and frequent collaborator Chad Helder? After all, it was through his Unspeakable Horror blog that Slasher Speak was born. Chad does a marvelous job exploring the queer aspects of popular horror culture, with recent expansions into the world of comics and coaching for horror writers considering the indie route. Check out his amazing poetry while you’re there, too!

Billy Loves Stu – More queer musings, this time from pal Pax Romano, who explores the more homoerotic subtext in horror films with a marvelously campy sense of humor and the queerest eye this side of Fire Island.

Anchorwoman in Peril! – Ross Horsley’s blog should win for the camp-tastic title alone! Anchorwoman in Peril is a glorious tribute to damsels in distress, TV-movie mayhem, and more slashers than you can shake a machete at.

Retro Slashers – A definitive blog for everything related to slasher films, with reviews, news, and interviews galore. There is a genuine and refreshing respect for the genre conveyed by John Klyza and company here.

Storytellers Unplugged – What happens when a group of thirty authors, editors, booksellers, and publishing professionals who want to share their love of writing and “behind the scenes” tips with readers who are also interested in the magic of writing get together? The result is Storytellers Unplugged, one of the most informative and important blogs for readers and writers alike. Each day of the month a different columnist contributes a post - some are thought-provoking, some are humorous, but all are enlightening.

Grab Your Plastic Glasses and Plunge Deep Into Hanniger Mine!

So 2009 is already promising to be a banner year for horror fans. Having just seen the highly enjoyable My Bloody Valentine 3-D, I'm cautiously optimistic that Hollywood hasn't quite lost touch with what makes horror fans go "hmmmm". While my proper review is up at Fear Zone, I couldn't resist a blog entry about this utterly fun, fantastic film.

The key word here is FUN. Fun of the capital "F" variety. MBV Version 2.0 is a glorious throwback to the unapolegetic cheesiness of the simple slasher. I'm completely smitten with what director Patrick Lussier and screenwriters Todd Farmer and Zane Smith have done, handling the source material with respect while improving upon the original film. The 3-D technology, while central and used to opimum effect, never dominates. At the heart of this film are the characters and credit has to be given to leads Jensen Ackles, Kerr Smith, and Jaime King - all of whom take their roles seriously and never make the audience feel like their slumming it while on hiatus from a TV series. Smith, in particular, really impressed me and I suspect this is just the beginning of more lead roles for the Dawson's Creek alum. And Tom Atkins? What can I even say that hasn't been expressed almost universally by genre fans everywhere? There was a moment during the new MBV when Atkins' presence on the screen transported me back to 1981, a flashback to sitting in a darkened theater with my own Dad watching a younger Atkins pull his beat-up pickup truck over to the side of the road to pick up a certain hitchhiker in The Fog. Nostalgia, man!

I had the pleasure of interviewing MBV's screenwriter Todd Farmer for Dark Scribe Magazine a few months back. His enthusiasm for the film was contagious, and it was so heartening to find someone who had as much passion for the often scorned slasher genre. What an added surprise then to see Farmer show his respectable acting chops in a terrific small role in the film, playing a sleazy truck driver who beds Betsy Rue's character. (There will be more than a few slasher gals and gays who will enjoy the added bonus of Farmer flashing his impressive derrière!)

It was so refreshing to see a remake that plays to the forty-something crowd that made the original film a cult classic in the first place. Some of the best set pieces from the 1981 film make cameo appearances here, with the clothes dyer, bloody hearts in candy boxes, and those creepy falling miner outfits all showing how timeless their appeal is. One bewilderment: why didn't they recycle the original film's infamous pipe-through-the-back-of-the-throat-kill? Imagine the possibilities of that jagged pipe coming at the audience in 3-D, the victim's blood mingling with the water and dripping onto their laps! But it's one small missed opportunity in an otherwise flawless redux.

Thanksgiving...Slasher Style

Some friends dropped by to offer a special holiday greeting...

Happy Thanksgiving!
Hope your family gathering isn't a bloodbath!

x/o Vince

Casual Friday

Casual and comfy...

Enough said. TGIF, everyone!

An Alternate View...

Peace Be with You...

An intricate snowflake vine gathered in sheaths of white satin folds...

Heaven is a place on Earth.

Happy Hump Day!

A Special Happy Hump Day Message...

Pearls, dangerous curves, and midnight blue.

Enough said...

Now, back to the weekly grind.

We Interrupt This Regularly Scheduled Blog...

...to bring you this special Jamie Lee moment.

Just because.

Smart Guys...

As promised, here are the three readers who correctly identified the (12) horror movie poster images from the new Slasher Speak header:

• Unkle Lancifer from Kindertrauma
• Karswell from The Horrors of it All

And the big winner of the contest prize pack:

• Corey from Evil On Two Legs

Congrats to all - and thanks to all who participated!

A New Blog Header...and a Contest!

In celebration of my spiffy new blog header designed by the wildly talented Deena Warner and company over at Deena Warner Designs, I thought the occasion called for a little fun.

In the new header (at the top of the blog, for those directionally challenged), there are images from twelve classic (and not so classic) slasher/horror movie posters. Identify the films represented and email them to me with your name and contact email at vince@vinceliaguno.com no later than Friday, May 23rd. I'll post the names of those who got them correct here at Slasher Speak and then randomly select a winner. Be sure to put the words SLASHER SPEAK CONTEST in the subject line of your email.

The winner will receive a grab bag of loot including:

• a book cover flat for Dead Sea, signed by author Brian Keene


• a book cover flat for A House Divided, signed (x2) by author Deborah LeBlanc


• an autographed photo of actress Jamie Rose from the classic slasher film Just Before Dawn and the long-running CBS primetime soap Falcon Crest


• a signed copy of my novel The Literary Six


• a signed copy of Autograph Magazine featuring my article on collecting Stephen King (sorry, signed by me - not, alas, Stephen King...)


• a signed copy of Autograph Magazine featuring my roundtable interview with horror authors Jack Ketchum, Brian Keene, Scott Nicholson, and Deborah LeBlanc (again, signed by yours truly)

Alright, it's not exactly the treasure trove you've been wishing for, but it's some free stuff. Cherish it, burn it, sell it on eBay...use it to barter for some better comic books.

Let the game begin...